transition period

feels weird

greenzone cont’d

4. sanity/insanity: i believe that there is a very thin line between being sane and insane. for instance, i feel sane right now… but given a different situation, a hard situation or where im under a lot of pressure. when im stricken with grief  or scared for my life. etc etc. i go insane in an instant. once (ive told this story before), i was doing laundry downstairs in my apartment building. i was doing 2 loads of laundry at once and realized i didnt bring enough quarters. it was lazy saturday when i didnt have to work and the weather was crappy. thus still in my pajamas at 11am :) anyways, i decided to keep loading the laundry.. i was probably downstairs 10minutes tops. i come back up to my apt and the door is locked. hrmmm *KNOCK KNOCK, BANG BANG* my roommate was home but she knew i was doing laundry, right??? what is going onnnnn????  one moment: what happenedddd.. next moment: crazy… i had left my cellphone insdie the apartment. i was locked out, without brushing my teeth or washing my face. i was wearing house slippers and all of a sudden i had to take a crap. i couldnt do anything at this point! i was hopeless. i ran downstairs to see if there was anyone at the maintenance office (in the basement), noone. i ran back up to my apartment. but all of a sudden it didnt seem like my apartment anymore. where was i? i ran up another flight and looked around.. started knocking on random ppl’s doors trying to figure out where i lived. long story short, i went crazy… i didnt know what i was doing or where i was. i was pacing frantically when my roommate came back. (she had gone to her car to look for something and had locked our door out of habit). i started crying. all this probably happened within 20min. but wow, it was chaos in my mind. 1st and only time it has happened to me, when i lost my link to reality. oy, the mind is so powerful. our sanity is definitely something to be tahnkful for. sometimes even if we seem coherent and normal, we aren’t. we, so easily, can be brainwashed or under the influence of others in small ways, be manipulated…thinking we should do something when we shouldnt. how weak we are! our minds and our bodies are really just one step/one moment away from losing it all. (see point 3 momentary moments).

greenzone.

so i just watched this movie. stressssssful. bc of the suspense but also bc i realized… wow i really do think too much. i couldnt wait to get home so i could let it all out via my blog. HAHAHA.. oh, sadness. i need a therapist. someone i could pay to tell all my ramblings and stories too, but thats a whole other issue altogether.

greenzone. wow. *applause* well done, matt damon, well done. i think my fellow ladies will agree that matt damon is when just looked at physically is very… normal. he doesnt really stand out from the crowd. but wow, put him in a movie like this one and…hotness. he is, without a doubt, the sexiest actor… of the moment. :) hehehehe. ok now that that’s aside. my thoughts on this movie (and thus life… hahaha)

1. simple minded creatures: o how simple minded we all are. while it kinda sucks, im also grateful. i think with our human capacities, we can only handle so much. which is why when someone is tooooo smart, i.e. genius.. sometimes they can drive themselves crazy and thus really become crazy. i know someone.. who is wihtout a doubt the smartest “friend” ive had. its gotten to the point where, i cant have normal conversations with her. odd, isnt it? im just too simple minded for her. haha… but do you see my point? we shouldnt try too hard to understand and know everything. (that goes with the bible and God too). its good to know him and understand what the purpose is, somewhat simply. but how can our ever so simple minds even begin to comprehend God’s? this is why i stay out of politics. hahaha. its too much for me. and half the time the government lies to us anyway (see point 2).

2. the ugly truth: it hit too close to home. while it’s “fiction”. it could very well be true! and gives people who love conspiracies to believe that it is true. that part kinda scares me…. conspiracies. so the movie (spoiler alert)… implies the following: the government cant tell us the truth bc they dont think we can handle the truth. but news flash. we can’t! perhaps a few of us can. i think i can. but who knows… maybe i really cant. when something tragic happens no matter how big or small… we want to blame someone… someone other than ourselves. we dont like to hear the fact that… its just a run of bad luck or.. bad things happen to good people. one example: airline delays, lost baggage and weather. the fact that the weather took out power or is causing a delay… is out of our hands. who here on earth has control over the weather. noone! not even the meteorologist can predict it (theyre wrong ~80% of the time). BUT we still want to blame the airlines for the effects, asking them to give us free vouchers for delays they couldnt help or just to yell out our frustrations at them… to have someoneee to blame. i think thats the ugly truth :) while unfortunate, i think it’s absolutely necessary for the government to shield alot of things from the general public.

3. momentary moments: life can change in an instant. theres this one scene in the movie where matt damon walks through an army prison. i dont konw why, but when i see scenes that are so surreal like that i look at the surroundings. i look at the walls, the doors, the desk… the inanimate stuff. and i think to myself, wow, its all so reall! does a place like this really exist? then i think about all the war documentaries ive seen or other movies like schindler’s list and rwanda… and all that horrible stuff seems like ancient history or something that happens far far away…so it doesnt feel real. then one day i hear one of my friends tell me a story she saw on 20/20 about sex trafficking here in the US. all this stuff is real and really happens, whether we want to admit it or not. i mean… sure we dont come into contact with it everyday, or even ever… and theres alot of things that we may never experience (thank goodness). rather, we see it on TV or in the newspaper. theres another scene in greenzone, when people in the streets were begging for water. they didnt have water! then, there was a broken down street sign that read: baghdad. what a notorious place now! how surreal would it be to see that sign now? versus 20 years ago when it was just another foreign city. thiings of this world and our very own realities even at this moment… is just that. a moment. it can change at any second. take the most recent of natural disasters: the earthquakes… of haiti (and other countries). one moment. a perfectly intact place and next… its broken, almost beyond repair. everything is fleeting. how easily we can forget that when we feel so safe now. i hope to always be thankful in every moment that i am able. (but if i think too hard about it… i get scared and will probably overthink myself into a coma or at the very least a migraine). so for now… i shall simply be thankful for this moment that i have, safe and warm in my apartment.. able to write my thoughts on the internet.

my head hurts (too much thinking). to be continued.

too much thinking

i judge… alot. esp. when ppl are selfish, irresponsible, lazy, etc. and in that world… im perfect. its hard to see/realize whats wrong with the way i do things. as far as im concerned. everything is wrong with everyone else… and im flawless. on the flip side, when i see everything that’s wrong with me and how imperfect i really am. i get really down on myself and don’t want to live on. why is it that i feel one way or the other… where is the happy medium??

i’ve heard many pastors preach about “church shopping”. when you go from church to church to see which one you will… call home. it may depend on the ppl there/fellowship, the pastor and quality of sermons, the praise team/song selection, time/location… a number of things can sway you one way or the other. and that’s the way it is. however, we’re challenged as followers of Christ to not only see what the church can offer us but rather view church as a place where we can worship God and serve our fellow brothers and sisters. a place of worship to God… not ourselves. ok, i get it. i should go church shopping to see where i can serve and worship God the best. howww exactly can i tell if im there for my own feel-good things (i.e. praise and sermons) or im there to really worship and serve God. how can i tell?

i hate talking to strangers, i.e. ppl i dont know. how i even make friends at all is certainly a mystery to me. i dont even think im that shy. i just feel awkward and uncomfortable with the unfamiliar. i keep in contact with every single friend i’ve made. all the way back to my diaper buddy (aka childhood friend)… old… new.. if you’ve made it to being my friend. ill certainly try to keep you forever. which ive always thought of as a good thing. but on the flip side, i dont make friends… easily. or rather i should say.. at all. i make friends with people who are friendly. bc im not rude. if someone tries to talk to me and be my friend. most likely, ill let them. thus. most of my friends are outgoing and very friendly ppl. i realize this weakness and decided to step up to the challenge. i am now on the welcoming team at cornerstone. anddd… i hate it. i guess i knew i would. but now im stuck. i cant quit, and i dont feel any different. i still hate talking to strangers. and now im forced to do it. why did i put myself through this again? =|

i always wanted to be… independent. that is… i didnt want to depend on anyone. not friends. not family. not a significant other. i wanted it to be just me and God. i had already accepted the fact that i dont make friends easily, so im okay there. many failed relationships left me content with singledom. and so i thought, all the more freedom to do God’s will and not raise babies. yayyyy. but what i learned relatively recently is that we’re not meant to be alone. God created us to be together with one another in community, in partnerships, etc. and i also learned that… i am extroverted. oh how i wish i was introverted. but i guess God created me this way… so that i would crave people relationships and not run the other way. something that i’m definitely struggling with…. to being open to letting ppl in my lilfe. letting there be a community… of serving. loving. others and not myself.

alas, february is half way through and march is coming. that is… im about to turn 26. ive had this complex with age… very early on. i cant remember when it started to be about being old rather than being too young. perhaps i was never content with my age, i always felt inadequate. too young for my surroundings or too old. or too old but looked too young. a complex… whichever way you look at it. and no matter how many times i told myself that it doesnt matter. it does. age is just a number. yes but it does imply certain things. at age 26, noone gives you money. rather you’re the one expected to give it out. you’re considered an adult no matter where you are, even if you’re still in school and still don’t know how to cook or budget. you’re expected to get married and start popping out babies…. sooner rather than later. ppl expect certain things from you. and if you venture against the norm… its weird. and… im weird. i think ppl misconcept the fact that… we never really become a “grownup”. we just continue to grow in different ways. i may never be 5’8″ but… i definitely didnt stop growing. everything that’s happened in the past 25 years had a meaning and a purpose… which had a hand in me becoming who i am today and who i’ll be in days to come. its encouraging that… i dont have to live up to a certain “grown up” state. my hope is that… this realization will turn into confidence in my 26th year of life… where im not grown up but still growing. yay! no pressure and everything at my own pace.

here’s to continued growth at age 26.

“the one thing”

i’ve decided to participate in the church-wide fast… i.e. “the one thing” for 3 weeks — 21 days. via the amplified version. i.e. vegan diet.

day 2. so far its been hard. but i find myself focusing on being so strict on avoiding animal products… that its actually distracting me from what the purpose of it all is. sacrificing for the sake of using that time/energy/focus on God. so… in terms of simplying.. i decided not to do the full on vegan diet. but just to avoid meat and dairy… not get to caught up in looking at every single ingredient of everything i eat. for instance, this morning i had a kashi that had honey. whoops. but im not gonna get worked up over it. just focusing on making the sacrifice of no meat/dairy… and making more time to focus on my relationship with God.

in light of all that. i found “the one thing” devo! i had no idea it was posted. im already a day late. :( but better late than never

christmas.

I feel like scrooge. I don’t like hearing Christmas music, seeing decorations, don’t even get me started on the frigid weather. I guess after so many Christmases, it’s just another year. Like how birthdays have become a reminder that another year has gone by, and we’re just older. I always wondered why my parents never cared too much about birthdays and now I know. Christmas is less than 10 days away and all I can think about is ending work and going home. Graduation is in less than 6 months, and there’s too many changes coming my way… And I can’t help but think to myself, please… I just want to sleep =______=

WHEW. :) ANYWAYS… I think regardless of all the above.. there have been some positive changes in my life. ^^ I’ve definitely tried to be more intentional about everything I say and do. Yet I still slip up ALOT, I say/do the wrong things, things I know that are destructive, deceitful and selfish, but now I’m definitely more aware of it. I’m slowly realizing that I am way more screwed up than I thought I was. It’s a work in progress, one that has started with realization and hopefully will turn into me changing for the better. So, here’s to a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, thus…one messed up person (me) striving to better this messed up world. :o)

I love sunrises, even more than sunsets. It gives the hope of a new day, a new beginning, for us to try harder…be better… =]

the worst day.

Have you ever had one of those bad days, where from the moment you wake up… everything goes wrong? That day for me, was yesterday. I woke up late for our 1st onelove training session, ended up leaving my house when I was supposed to be there. I read GSU in the email but thought stuvie. I ended up parking in the garage behind HealthWorks (50 cents an hour) by stuvie not GSU. Walked for 15 minutes to GSU, 30 minutes late. Meeting went until 2:30pm, when I was supposed to be at work by 2:30pm. When trying to leave the parking garage, I find out that validation has a maximum of 3 hours, they were now charging me $10.50. Which is fine, but they only take cash which I had none of. I wander into the CVS on Comm. Ave and buy some gum to get cash back. I make it to work one hour late, at 3:30pm. Work is over at 7pm, I leave my cell phone there. Have you ever thought about how dependent you are on your cell phone? Turns out, very. I was supposed to meet liz and chou for dinner, but with no cell phone… no way to contact them. At home, communicating through email, I go to pick them up at h&m downtown crossing. On my way out of my garage parking spot (brand new yesterday!), my key card doesnt work to let me out. Cell-phoneless, I cant tell liz and chou that I’ll be later than the 20 minutes I had originally estimated. It’s been 10 already. No one is in the parking office, all I see is a sign that says “be back in 10 minutes”. Ten eternity minutes later, he fixes my key and I leave the garage, and now its been 20 minutes. O__O I’m so angry… anxious and so upset that tears form at my eyes; I hate disappointing people. I know they’re starving and freezing. I try to make my way to h&m downtown crossing as fast/safely as I can in the snow/crazy wetness that is Boston on that night. Did you know that they block off certain areas of downtown (Financial district) to cabs only during certain hours? Well they do, I had to circle the place trying to find a way in, getting on 93 at one point on accident… finally deciding I have to just go in (illegally) bc there’s no way for me to get them otherwise. It takes me one hour to get there. ~___~ This day, more so than any other day, was full to the brim of complaints, anxiety and anger.

It’s funny, I always thought of complaining as therapeutic. I never thought it was a bad thing to say what you were feeling to other people, it makes me feel better so what’s the problem? As it turns out, everything. It brings down the people around you. It brings yourself down. In a way, you are training yourself to be negative about everything, without even knowing it. Then you complain automatically in every situation, because let’s face it, this world is broken…there’s nothing perfect about it. There’s always going to be something to complain about, but the fact of the matter is… there is so much more to be thankful for because of how blessed we really are. I think it’s hard to be thankful in every moment, of course there’s going to be moments where we’re angry, sad, uncomfortable, hurt, etc. But I think… the challenge to praise and thank God regardless of our circumstance is something we should all strive for. It’ll definitely be hard and unnatural at first… or maybe always, after all we are human and its our nature to respond immediately to things we see/feel/hear and react negatively if it’s not to our liking. But through continuous prayer and strength from God, we can strive to look up… and see the bigger picture: our salvation and how blessed we are!

And yes, yesterday… wasn’t the best day of my life. But lots of great things did happen! For one… yay snow! How beautiful is the snow that fell yesterday! Two, work went smoothly… I had people compliment me on my service to them and how nice I was, and mind you… this NEVERrrr happens to me. It was actually kind of weird, this was my reaction: o_O really???? hahahahha. Three, the 1st onelove meeting was a success! Everything went fairly smoothly, I loved meeting the lovely ladies of team 3 and some parts of our fundraising are already underway! Four, I had a lovely dinner with my besties… they truly make my time in Boston so great and I love them both dearly. Five, my heat in my apt is finally fully on! In the past, it was really… some days it was FREEZING and other days not as much but never warm. Now it is!! Its time for warm toasty nights in my pajama shorts, you heard me… shorts! =] Six, I find out that I get to dogsit tobi again this weekend for sure, starting after I get off work on Friday at 3pm. Already, that is six things…. that I was able to be thankful for that I didn’t see yesterday but in retrospect (spending only 5 minutes thinking about it) was there. How much more smoothly would that day have gone if I put in a little more effort to see what was going right instead of going wrong. =] Must try harder next time.